I suck when I’m provoked, like a tsunami waiting to explode. Or I think my emotion is damning me at that moment. And I detest the fact that I don’t have control of these feelings, like weren’t they mine to control?
Anger is not just a feeling is an embarrassment and exaggeration of emotions. You are hurt and you can’t hold it? I know that you want to speak up, act up and you want to feel better. But that’s the bad anger.
Is there a good anger? Hell No! There’s just anger.
And it just management and control that can make your bad or good.
While you are here with me, we are going to stick with the two classification – the good and bad anger.
The Good Anger
Do you feel safe, when you are angry? Or get motivated to be focused on things you are passionate about? This extent of anger is within your control. that’s ok, you are in control.
The bad Anger! How dangerous can anger be?
Do you think anything good comes from anything bad? You have this uncontrollable urge to respond to perceived provocation. You feel something unfair and unkind has happened to you.
You might get overwhelmed and end up behaving the way you shouldn’t. That’s why it’s a necessity for us to narrow down our feelings and work out strategies on how to cope with the anger emotions.
Anger will mess you up, destroy your self-esteem, and reduce you to a worthless state. Affecting your mental health negatively, and distancing you away from God.
Are you not allowed to get angry?
If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin, and do not stay angry all day.Ephesians 4:26
Once in a while. you are but within your control, and in a free state of mind. And not because you were targeted.
I remember back then, controlling anger was a problem for m. And starts with a word targeted at me, a thought, and of course, a negative voice that makes me feel I must make a point to counter the word heard and, of course, get me jail time in my mind.
Here’s a little story……
I remembered one morning during my days in college, I was running late for a class I had at 7:00 that morning, and my mum told me about cleaning my shoes. The words picked a certain bad nerve in my head and I was triggered to be angry with her. Maybe for what she said or how she said it. To me, there are some things you don’t remind an adult to do (so I thought).
All through that day, I lost focus in the class teaching, no bit of life in me. Why? I was angry at my mum’s choice of words. I gave in to the comments and they gained control over me and subdued me.
It subjected me to a life of bondage and in a moment I was seeing someone who wasn’t me.
Then I began to search and look for what actually got me in such a bad mood. I couldn’t understand the big word that got me annoyed. It’s just a tiny slight misunderstanding that triggered that bad temper in me.
I already had a temper in me and once in a while, all it needed was a trigger to detonate and I will explode obviously.
I lacked the strength to waive it and the power to manage it, it continued to linger and grow in me.
Could anger be hereditary?
From where I come it’s a popular belief that Anger is hereditary. And Yes, it is!
The spirit of your father and mother is what begets you.
Just as my dad had the same anger issues, it’s become a phase I must face. Maybe or maybe not, but I think I’m the only one who can define the kind of life to live. And getting angry at the slightest provocation isn’t on the list.
A lot of times, I struggled with controlling myself, and sometimes, in the end, I end up, losing especially in the process of venting.
Before we continue, I have a workbook that will surely help you be in better control of your emotions. Check it in the link below!
How does venting help?
Venting is good when you have gotten control of your anger, in that case, you are not necessarily angry rather you are saying your own truth.
But venting when you don’t have control of your anger issues, then it makes your temper get worse because you will end up saying a lot of things that you’re definitely going to regret or over boarding with the actions that you regret, and still be at the losing end or get angrier.
The only good thing about venting is that you might feel momentary relief after removing the built-up pressure in your head and chest.
If you don’t yet have control, please don’t vent yet.
Rather write down your feelings in a book, take a walk outside, do a breathing exercise and give shouting a try. Release those bad energies.
Here’s how you can control anger, just like I did
Study Your Temper
The feeling of anger builds up till it becomes visible in my actions. It just starts like an atom till it expands to become a molecule and then you react and act toward what you’re feeling.
I might react over something irrelevant but that wasn’t the actual cause of my provocation. Just that, at that point I reached my limit of endurance, so I traced back, and here’s what I observed;
I studied myself to know what gets me angry, and so can you too. Take your time to answer these questions which I did
What makes me angry?
- To me whenever my self-pride is about to be thrashed or when it’s as if I’m making no sense at all (that hurts like salt in the wound).
- When I’m trying to prove myself… who cares?
- When you are out to control me, Like who does that? So many I can go on listing.
Who makes me angry?
- Friends or family.
- Usually at home, or with a close friend or relative (but never at work)
I now know the situation that triggers my anger, I’m usually a different person at home, so it was a struggle. But, I got prepared.
Going to work I prepared for everything, and whatever. I’m mindfully prepared to be able to scale through whatever situations I might find myself in, though my trigger source wasn’t from my workplace and anger was never a trait found in me.
I studied myself, to place myself on a healthy path of taking notes of the signals indicated before or during my anger phase.
Do you experience a change in your heartbeat? Or do you feel a heavy load on your back- which could be an excruciating pain (this is usually my pre-symptom)? Or do you feel your breathing change?
Just start getting to know yourself, the more you know, the more you can be able to stay alert whenever you’re about to lose control.
Avoid Your Triggers
Answering these questions can help you know what triggers your emotions and causes anger in you. Mine did. I was one of the people who thought “Triggers can’t be avoided” well they can and is just the easy way out.
Before I couldn’t avoid some discussions with friends or family members especially when I know I’m about to blow the stack. But now I just find a way, giving an excuse like I’m expecting a call, just any excuse to clear the tense energy in the room.
So, it’s totally possible, you just have to be resourceful and creative to find a form of distraction at the moment to reduce the impact at least.
Once you have gained control, you can stay bold to stare anything in the face and defeat it.
Endure the Feeling
Just like alcohol, you seem drunk and about to experience the worst hangover ever. What do you then do? Nothing!
Whatever voice that’s pushing you to explode isn’t relevant and shouldn’t be trusted. Pause for a moment, and slowly take a few deep breaths (certainly one breath won’t work).
Don’t rush to cut those trigger wires in your brain. Allow yourself some time to process and get your head straight before you defuse whatever bomb you’ve set to explode.
I focus on what I’m feeling- the neck pain, headaches, and heaviness of my chest rather than the chattier in my head.
And that’s usually when I get to study myself at least I’ll have something to focus my anger time on.
Being able to focus on something like a bit of distraction makes the anger dissipates. While waiting, it feels like time gets slowed and you feel like it’ll never vanish, but it does. And trust me, the more you practice, the quicker it’ll vanish.
I’ve been able to control my anger and Yes, it is possible to eliminate that furious feeling. I am taking my time to study myself and knowing that anger is a spirit that visits the man, that sometimes can be strongwilled to control you, but will be defeated only if you refuse to be under its bondage.
Don’t act just fill your heart with meditations of the word of God. This will teach you something about yourself and about why you are angry. And it’s left for you to decide if that’s the person you want to be.
Lastly, remember you owe it to yourself who you become, so whatever that’s trying to snatch, slow, and drain your self-worth is totally unacceptable. You got this, trust me!